Friday, February 19, 2021


 You folks remember The Symptoms, right? My illustrated column of autobiographical meltdowns and fist-shaking observations of modern irritations? Well, it still lives, and it's bitchier than ever! Now you can find The Symptoms on the Substack platform, the hip new blogging site featuring all your favorite online columnists who got fired from Politico and Slate. 

It's an exciting time for The Symptoms because I'm currently chronicling my relocation from podunk South Carolina to Wuppertal, Germany. Cultures clash and relative hilarity ensues! Please hit the link and subscribe to The Symptoms on Substack because I really, REALLY need to talk to someone in English.

The Symptoms (

Joseph Beuys


Friday, July 17, 2020

Dump Dish

She appeared at the recycling center, a haggard sexpot, working the asphalt like her own personal catwalk. I dubbed her the Dump Dish.

Tuesday, July 7, 2020

The Children are Our Future

I watched two young fast food employees sneak into the dumpster corral to smoke a joint, and I suddenly had a great feeling of hope for the future.