Way back in 2003, I illustrated and published a book written by Troy England Evitt III called "Grampy's Lump and Other False Starts." This was a collection of disjointed and often spit-out-your-Cheez-Doodles funny stories that generally lacked character development, plot structure or anything a competent writer would attempt. I'd been collecting these scraps of paper, scrawled longhand in what I called "Ev-oglyphics," since the sixth grade, where Evitt and I first met, and decided after years of hoarding them to make a project of illustrating the little literary outbursts.
Mercifully, the book is now long out of print. But I'm still pretty fond of the drawings, and I thought they at least deserved a little blog space. So I'm blowing the dust off these antiques and submitting them for your approval.
|"He had heart, he had guts. Hell, he had what would've been his identical twin growing out of his left shoulder blade."|
|"He concluded the evening by dialing phone numbers at random and singing "Happy Birthday" to the parties on the other end, as they repeatedly protested that he'd reached the wrong number."|
|"While Chinese restaurants are allowed to serve octopus, there are no statutes mandating that somebody take the time to kill the poor beast, often with newsworthy results."|
|"Somebody had given him chocolate at my expense."|
|"Maldano was the kind of guy who would feed you like family even if you had showed up to beat him like a mule."|
|"A copy of Scarbone and Teabiscuit #11, with the elusive blue staples, sold for $2,441 at Comtrek '02 and was later bartered for a Polaroid of Will Shatner and his dogs."|
|The Mystery of the Burlap Grandma, Scarbone and Teabiscuit #17, 1949.|
|"Hap lost no time, offering a freshly-opened Stuperz Lite, a bearish handshake and that classic Hap Shefield smile."|
|"Nobody thought the marriage would work; he, a rotund goofus who owned a nude dancing establishment, she, one half of the world's only Siamese twin exotic dancing duo."|
|"'Grampy, I'm your lump,' it seemed to say."|